Men Lost in a Woman's World

Carlos Solis: Mike, funny running into you here of all places. We never get a chance to say much, if anything, to each other. I wonder what's happened that we finally get a chance to talk?
Mike Delfino: Carlos, I guess it's only your wife and Susan that ever have a reason to talk. You'd think we'd at least bump into each other at the supermarket or at the local pub?
Carlos: Ah, I'm not into the pub scene anymore, I have to stay sober so Gabrielle doesn't have one more thing to nag me about.
Mike: She really nags you? Well, I sound surprised because Susan never talks about you guys. The only time she ever mentioned you was when you had that stint in jail.
Carlos: Yep, that's my claim to fame here on Wisteria Lane, the ex-con. No, right, we both have that in common. You had that coming, didn't you?
Mike: No hard feelings. Sorry for bringing that up. Wow, I guess the reason we never ran into each other was we really have very little to say to each other, in spite of our joint memories from being in the slammer. Maybe we can go shoot some pool some time. That usually gets the conversation going, or play tennis with the ladies.
Carlos: Yeah, why don't we do that? Well, I see Gabrielle waving to me that it's time to head to the restaurant for the eighth time this week. Don't make the same mistake I made, investing in a woman who doesn't want to learn to cook even on a rainy day.
Mike: Well, Susan has other talents. We can always get take-out if worse comes to worse. Enjoy your dinner.
Gabrielle Solis: What were you and Mike talking about? It was about me, right?
Carlos: Gabrielle, not all men talk about other women when they're killing time. That's a lie. They do that most of the time, but they don't want women to know about it. It only feeds their egos. Besides, everyone has said everything there is to say about you on Wisteria Lane. Oh you haven't heard? The yardboy kept a diary and it got leaked out to his buddies. It is now on all their blogs, as well as those of their girl friends or younger sisters.
Gabrielle: He didn't! Well, I'm not sure if that's his way of getting even with me, or getting even with you?
Carlos: Forget it, Gabby. It's done and it's time to turn the page. But, you never do live down your past misakes, as we'll be reminded for many years to come.
Gabrielle: Well, it doesn't matter to me, or I shouldn't let it bother me. People will always find someone to talk about. It only adds to the emptiness in their lives when they take up other people's past lives instead of dwelling on their own.
Carlos: Let's change the subject. It's giving me indigestion and we haven't even set foot in the restaurant yet. Green chili tonight, Gabby? Or is it roasted peppers?
Gabrille: Very funny, darling. You're the only spice I want in my life tonight. Let's forget the food, and get some take-out from the Vegetarian deli down the street.

What do Christians Really Know about Anything?

Edie Britt: Mary Alice how is it we're having a conversation when you've been absent from us for more than a year.
Mary Alice Young: I haven't been away. It's ok to say that I died a year ago. Well, maybe it's a good thing you're having this chat with me since I'm the ideal person to talk about some matters, as it turns out. Not that I claim to have cornered the market on absolute truth, after all, I'm just a disembodied voice or memory, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I just wanted to reassure you, or anyone who happens to be eaves-dropping on our conversation. You never know who's reading over your shoulders these days.
Edie: So the obvious question, how-- No? I'm sorry, I just had to ask, but I'll let you decide what you want to tell me.
Mary Alice: To play it safe, I think you're going to have to be the one to ask yourself the big questions. And we'll try to answer them as best as we can. Though, to not turn off anyone who might be catching wind of our subject, no one should worry, this is not a medium's channel. I'm more a symbol of the afterlife than any actual person from the "Other Side."
Edie: That's a let down, I was so hoping you were the real thing.
Mary Alice: Well, if anything, Edie, I hope I continue being a real memory worth holding onto from time to time when something reminds you of me, or something I said.
Edie: I like that. Ok, let's have this odd little talk, shall we?
Mary Alice: Well, I can only tell you what I knew or suspected when I was alive. so you don't expect anything out of the ordinary, no floating tables and moving lights and such,
Edie: This is a very odd conversation we're having. When you think of it, I think I'm having this "conversation" all by myself.
Mary Alice: What are you so afraid of. I mean even in the gospels there's that "fictional" parable or tale about Lazarus the beggar and the rich man who went to hell right after he died and was able to hold a conversation with Lazarus in heaven. Or was it with Father Abraham? You get the point. You know that's just symbolic of guilty lives and missed opportunities. There's very little chance that Lazarus, Father Abraham and the rich man were able to converse over such long distances.
Edie: Ahem, I think we're digressing here. So I'll ask you point blank. Don't we Christians know anything about at least one subject, namely Christ or the spiritual life? Or do you mean something else by saying that Christians know nothing at all?
Mary Alice: I'm mainly inferring that when it comes to other people's beliefs, non-Christians I mean, whether of other religions, or agnostic, atheists, etc., we think we know when actually we're very arrogant to say that we have all the answers.
Edie: Well, we have Christ and his free gift of eternal life.
Mary Alice: Yes, and for that I'm grateful, but some of us, and I'm including myself to not deceive myself that I sometimes don't get these feelings, as I was saying, some of us think that we have so much truth, or even Truth, that everyone else falls short. And that is arrogance any way you look at it.
Edie: So if you feel that way, why continue being so gung ho on the Christian life. Maybe you should look elsewhere for your answers? This is an odd conversation, Mary Alice, since you can't very well look anywhere else.
Mary Alice: Think of it as a rhetorical statement, Edie. It will make things easier.
Edie: Why go in search of what may or may not be there? For the most part the Christian life is rewarding, but when they talk of "being broken" before Christ can heal you, then all I can think of is ouch!
Mary Alice: Well, better to admit that you need Christ because you are not all-mighty and self-sufficient as far as the hereafter is concerned, and not just the here and now, and find the necessary healing to make this life as meaningful as possible, and have eternal life to look forward to, as well.
Edie: That can be a hard sell with non-Christians or people who are into the "I can do it all by myself, thank you" movement. What is it called? Something with bleep, bleep, bleep? Or is it blah, blah, blah? Well, anyway, who are we to judge how other people like to spend their days, nights, and the virtual hours they spend in the Web or the Blogosphere? Or is all this an exerise in futility and pointless rambling, this talk with your ghost, Mary Alice? Or is this a way to hold onto the fading memory of a good friend? Mary Alice? Are you still there? Hm, looks like I'm talking to myself yet again, at the end of the day.

Why does the Christian life have to be so frustrating?

Lynnette: I'm sometimes tempted to think I was happier when I wasn't a Christian, but, of course, that's not entirely true.
Vree: Well, I've always been a Christian and look how happy I seem to be. You're not convinced? That's very ill-manered of you to question someone's spiritual perception of themself.
Lynnette: Sweetie, it's not that, it's, oh, never mind. Some things are better left unsaid. What I'm talking about is when I feel that the kids are more a curse than a blessing, I feel guilty, which is not often. No no, I mean, I seldom think of them as being a curse, as I'm sure you'll agree with your own attitude towards your kids. Never mind, again. I know at least your son, leaves much to be desired.
Vree: I take offense at that, Lynette. Wait till your three boys are his age, and see what surprises they have up their sleeves. I hope it's nothing as challenging as my son's sexual identity, or his great dislike of me. When I feel I've failed him as a mother, I start to hate myself just a little bit, and that's the last thing I need. I've got problems with alcohol, as I'm sure you know, and to pile self-hatred on top of that, is not very intelligent living.
Lynnette: Why does the Christian life have to be so frustrating? Do Buddhists, Hindus, and other religions have it easier?
Vree: Don't covet someone else's supposed simplicty. They may have comparable problems within their own world view, or maybe, Christianity is too different to compare with other non-Biblical religions. What about Judaism, that's Biblical?
Lynnette: Well, I know very little about Judaism. I've only been to a Reform temple twice many years ago, and heard one Reform Rabbi give a "This is Judaism" presentation at my Christian college. Their emphasis seems to be on the Torah, the Law of Moses, tradition and Rabbinical commentary. There's a great ethical component in the religious jews I've encountered. But, if you belive Woody Allen to be an authority of some sort, there is also a heavy guilt component in Judaism, as well.
Vree: Christian guilt is different, lighter I imagine. It can, however, be as crippling as any kind of guilt, religious or otherwise.
Lynnette: I wish--here I'm wishing my life away again--but honestly, I wish Jesus Christ would come back again and soon. It would be so perfect to be rid of the Middle East conflict, of death and dying, and of those weekly nightime soap operas.

Susan & Gabrielle's Visions of Excess

Susan Mayer: I've always wanted to ask, you Gabby, how you seem to deal so easily with you being Catholic. Or maybe it's not as easy as you make it seem? You're so carefree about it all.
Gabrielle Solis: So what are you saying, protestants have it harder than catholics? I would think we have it harder what with only one universal Catholic church and all that, as opposed to your supermarket variety of protestant denominations to choose from. I'm sorry, I know how that must sound, but you have to admit, there is quite a bit of variety in protestantism, and we only have one generic brand of Catholicism, take it or leave it.
Susan: Hm, I thought I was going to be the one to make arrogant statements. You've beat me to the punch. No, what I meant, was you seem to enjoy so many more things than protestant women do. I'm taking you as a sample of your average Catholic in America, but maybe that's not fair to all of the deeply religous women who wouldn't quite agree with my sampling poll right now.
Gabrielle: Well, why not me, I mean, I went to a Catholic school, until I got to college, of course. I go to confession when I can fit it in. I know I should go more often, but when I do go, I always come away with a clean slate, so I love that about Catholicism, you can stay out all night sining the night away, then next morning go to confession, provided you remeber where the nearest church is. No, of course, I'm not serious. But I did have a girlfriend in college who was very wild, but also very guilty the next morning. She almost lived in the confession booth every Sunday morning, after her usual marathon-like Saturday night carnavals. I wonder why she bothered, poor thing. Oh well, I just mention her to prove a point.
Susan: Oh come on, Gabby, you must admit that most people at mass are there because they seriously believe in the beauty of the Catholic faith, and not out of guilt because they were with who knows how many men and going to who knows how many parties on Saturday night, or during the rest of the week. I even had a neighbor a few years ago, who was deeply religious, held prayer meetings in his house for any parishoner to come to, officiated in the Mass rituals, and was a celibate, I hope, gay man. At any rate, he was openly gay and it didn't seem to bother the priest or the men and women who came to his house to pray. I thought I had lost my mind whenever he told me that during the first part of Sunday he'd be in church and later on that night, he'd be at the drag shows at the local bar watching the latin drag queens sing their songs of decadence and grace. When parishoners questioned him about how he could do both or want to do both, he'd always say, that one activity had nothing to do with the other activity. He was very serious, as was the other young man whom he had met at a bar and had asked him to join him for mass every Sunday morning. It's a very strange world we live in, Gabby.
Gabby: So you see, there are all types of Catholics. Can I assume there are all kinds of-- You know, Susan, I'm not sure what you really are, since you never talk about it, like Carlos and I do to you guys. Or does it matter what brand of protestantism you belong to?
Susan: Of course it matters, Gabby. Wars have been fought and are still being fought because of what brand of faith one belongs to, not just among protestants, but the whole world over. I'm baptist, but not the really conservative kind, more like the Bill and Hillary Clinton type, seriously Baptist, but not the type that you see on-- ahem, never mind, I don't like to call the kettle one color, when they may be doing the same to me. I was raised Seventh-Day Adventist, then moved onto the Pentecostals, and a few others, and finally decided that the Baptists were where I best fitted in. Althought at times, I wonder if I turned my back on my childhood too quickly, like Prince did. Yes, he is another famous ex-Seventh-Day Adventist, along with Little Richard and Joan Lunden. Wait, I think Little Richard may still be attending.
Gabby: Seventh-Day Adventists, hm. I hope they're not all like my college roommate's second husband, who told her if she continued keeping Sunday, she was going to wind up being branded with the mark of the beast at the end of time, whenever that takes place.
Susan: Well, Gabby, as you yourself know there are insensitive and arrogant people in every religion. It doesn't mean all Adventists think like your friend's husband.
Gabby: Anyway, Susan, I really should ask you about why we're spending so much time talking about religion when it's guys we should be talking about.
Susan: Well, we should have opened that can of worms earlier in the evening. The evening news is almost past & I have no idea if we're going to have a world to enjoy a year from now. So let's start this men and christian living subject when we have more time on our side.
Gabby: Ok, Susan, see you in church. Oh, well, you never know, if you get tired of yours, come to mine, and I'm sure I'd do the same. Bye.
Mystery Man:
Mystery Women: